As I was working on my essays for my Fulbright application this week, an unsettling thought occurred to me. I wasn’t having fun. I had to actively FORCE myself to sit down and write. But why?! I’m so excited about applying for the Fulbright ETA (English Teaching Assistantship) grant—and they’re asking me to basically tell them WHY I want to go to Italy and why I want to teach English—both of which I can talk about for hours at a time. So why do I find myself avoiding the work? Have I become so apathetic from sitting behind a desk for the last year that all my motivation, even for things I’m excited about, has been stripped away? I hope not!
But it’s not just the Fulbright. I find myself avoiding working on monologues or extra scene work for my acting class—but when I get INTO The work itself, I find it’s one of the things I enjoy doing most!
And then, I struggle to even write the words…I wonder if this is some form of fear trying to interfere in my life. After spending the last year virtually wiping out all fear from my life, my past and my mind…There’s still a little monster hiding out. And he strangely affective at keeping me from doing things that I WANT to do…Boo monster…I’m going to squish you now.