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My Little Green Bicycle

pedaling my way through real and imagined lands

Feelings on top of feelings…

simba cry

For the past few years, I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself, on the way I think about my identity and my experiences (wanted, or not). This was triggered by my first real relationship about 4 years ago, a lot of effective therapy, and some new perspective via the work of Brene Brown. Most of what I learned from all of this self reflection had to do with how I do (or don’t) relate to feelings. Or more specifically, MY feelings. In fact, for the first several months of therapy, I would leave the office absolutely exhausted from crying; and even though my body was clearly feeling something, and trying to bring those feelings out for me to see and experience, it took quite a while for me to be able to identify and name which specific feeling (and motivating thought or memory) I was experiencing.

Since I started this new job in July, my point of reflection has changed a bit. I’ve actually been feeling a LOT, and have been able to identify those feelings. The new step I’m coming to more frequently in this season, is trying to understand the depth and intensity of feelings that are sometimes triggered by events that aren’t matched in severity of experience in comparison to the level of the emotion I am feeling. It’s unsettling, and has honestly made me feel sort of crazy at times.

One day, after a tough conversation over miscommunication at work (not mean or destructive by any means, but some things I was very upset to have ‘missed’), I drove to my boyfriend’s house, feeling exhausted, confused and just generally terrible. After allowing myself to verbally vomit for about 15 or 20 minutes, and processing out loud while Andy listened, I came to a stopping point. I had come to the source of this tremendously icky feeling  that had been making me feel so small.

It was the thought that I had failed.

Even though NO one had ever accused me of this (except that ugly voice in my own head), this is what I kept coming back to.

I’ve personally struggled with the fact that my job has had a steeper learning curve than I anticipated. As an Achiever, I am good at most of the things I do. BUT I’ve also learned, a few subtler truths about myself that are not quite as flattering. I am good at most of the things I focus a lot of energy on, because I avoid things I’m not good at. I don’t like being told I’m not good at something—and even when the intention of the speaker may genuinely be to help me improve, often the meat of what comes through to me via my internal filter sounds much more harsh, something like, “You are terrible at this. You are NOT improving, and you are not having as much fun in this ‘meaningful’ job as you thought you would.” All terribly ugly things to hear. And instead of using the majority of my energy to fight off those things, to look at them objectively and then decide what is helpful to allow to pass through and what is not–when it comes to those negative thoughts–for whatever reason, I seem to give them all a free pass to just bulldoze through and start tearing up the best parts of who I am.

One of the things that’s been the hardest for me to figure out, has been trying to understand the depth of some of these feelings. Though I did feel pretty defeated by that exchange at work, there’s no way that it should have emotionally wrecked me the way that it did. In cases like these, I’ve learned that when I emotionally respond in a way that’s bigger than what seems warranted by the situation, it’s because that same feeling (from another time/experience) is still laying around unresolved under THIS more recent version of the feeling. So I’m dealing with a pile of the same feeling stacked on top of itself over and over, instead of just this one occurrence of the feeling on its own.

Stay with me.

Here is where the effective therapy training came in. I asked myself, “Why do I feel like this? Why is failing such a big deal? Where is this original association with failure coming from? The answer totally floored me, “It’s because you couldn’t save your dad. You failed. He died and it’s your fault.” And then the crying. Holy shit.

I know as a grown up that this association makes absolutely NO sense. But this is what my emotions and my experience taught me. I’d always felt when I was little that if I’d prayed harder, or stood over my dad in the hospital and cried magic Disney tears, I might have been able to save him. That it was because I didn’t do those things that he died. That is why the idea of failure has been so petrifying for my entire life.

So. Now that I know that, what’s been interesting is that when I’ve had other hiccups while learning my new job, I don’t necessarily feel as bad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to fail. And even those mistakes aren’t necessarily so big I would call them failures. But it’s amazing that just in being able to identify the source of that feeling, how much it’s diffused that feeling in subsequent experiences. A strange thing to learn at 34, but I suppose that mostly we don’t realize where those deep dark feelings originate from, because they’re so dark and menacing that we’re too afraid to really ask and learn the answer. Even though the answer is often the beginning of that healing process. We avoid the thing that’s really the solution because of fear.

What does that mean? I’m not totally sure. I guess just that it’s good to examine things. To really REALLY look at them closely, and not let fear prevent me from asking those hard questions. And to be kinder to myself. Much, much kinder as I navigate my way through these feelings on top of feelings.

 

Why Hello, Disney! or, Why I Decided to Give Up Acting

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It’s been a long time since I wrote something personal for myself. Something that wasn’t food or career related.

Something just for me.

I started a new job today, and really, a whole new chapter in my life. So I figured it’s as good a time as any to start over, and to take a few minutes to reflect on how I got here.

I’m also writing this to hopefully encourage a few others (and to remind myself later), that it’s ok to change dreams, or more specifically, to put something down–and purposefully choose something else instead, for whatever reason is important to you–even if it’s ONLY important to you. I read a really amazing article that someone posted on facebook around the time that I was considering going back to a more ‘regular’ job, about how giving up your dream is ok. I sort of agree (or maybe the author means the same thing, but we are using different words?), but felt that for me—it was still important to differentiate between giving up one’s dream, and choosing something else.

Over the past 10 months, I’ve worked with the folks at the Seaver Career Center at Pepperdine University, and had an absolutely wonderful time! For the first time in my professional career (studio professional-professional, not acting-professional) I was able to do the ‘fun’ work, and the meaningful bits, and felt like my opinion was valued and considered in group conversations. And THAT was amazing.

This past 10 months, will now mark the ending season of my professional acting career. I also wanted to share that with a lot of my friends who have supported me through my professional acting journey. I was so blessed to have the best commercial agent in the industry (literally, he just won the managers’ guild award for 2015), and some great theatrical and web series opportunities as well. To all of you who have been so supportive, THANK YOU!

And to all my friends who are still pursuing that very unique and very challenging dream, I admire, love and support you all. I hope you are given the opportunities that you deserve to showcase your incredible talents and courage.

So why did I decide to leave acting behind and go back to the corporate side of entertainment? There were a lot of factors, but it all basically came down to two things: 1) I wasn’t finding meaning in my work (as an actor) every day, and I did experience that meaning by working with students and in my consulting business, and 2) Acting was no longer worth all the sacrifices that I’ve made to pursue it (mostly, not having a savings account, not being able to buy a full priced item at Urban Outfitters or Banana Republic without doing some serious mental gymnastics and contemplating how that purchase would affect my finances for the next 6 months, and not being able to TRAVEL).

At first it was a hard decision. As an achiever type person, I felt like if I gave up acting before I ‘made it’ (whatever that means), I would be a failure. Someone who gave up. And I do NOT give up. It took me a while to understand, really understand, that changing your mind is not the same thing as giving up.

I have to admit, over the past 10 months, I’ve become a lot more ‘conventional’ than I ever thought I’d be. Maybe it’s being in a long term relationship for the first time in my adult life, or maybe it’s getting older, or maybe it’s a lot of things—but I WANT to buy a condo (or hopefully a not-so-tiny-little-house) in the next 5 years, I want to have a savings account, and go on annual vacations to Hawaii or Europe, and take classes at community college on ceramics and art history because I WANT to. And that’s ok.

So…What is the moral of my story? I guess what I’ve taken away from it is this: Do everything you want to do. Have the courage to leave one career path to explore another (especially if you are single), before settling into any one thing just because it’s easy or comfortable. Though I could have invested a lot more years into this specific career path (I had an idea that I wanted to go into recruiting my last stint at DreamWorks circa 2009),  now that I’ve explored ALL my options, I can sincerely start this new job and be fully invested, knowing that this is really what I want to do (at least for now), and that I have absolutely NO REGRETS about the path I have taken.

Besides, if I hadn’t done acting full time, I wouldn’t have a super fun BOSE commercial, or this really awesome picture of me as a pirate, on stage, for the fastest character transition ever.

Kira Pirate

 

And I LOVE this picture, and the production behind it.

So, to mark this day–and make my official announcement everywhere–as of today, July 6, 2015, I am officially an employee of the Walt Disney Company. I am starting my first week as a Campus Recruiter, and could not be more excited to do a job that I find so much meaning in. Connecting people, opportunities and talent, have always been some of my favorite things. To be able to turn that into a job, based on my haphazard career path? I am so blessed. So today, I’m working on remembering that.

 

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Shower Flowers

Fresh cut flowers (and potted plants!) are some of my favorite things! This weekend, at a wedding shower for a dear friend, there were dozens of vases all over the house filled with lovely, bright, cheery blossoms.

And at the end of the afternoon, her mom sent some home with me! Added bonus. Perks of being a bridesmaid! Now they are sitting on my night stand, adding a much needed splash of color. I really should get a potted plant (and keep it alive).

Things My New Dentist Taught Me, or Better Late Than Never.

Did you know that using fluoride coated floss and fluoride mouth rinse can actually repair/reverse small ‘almost’ cavities? Neither did I, until last week. I didn’t even know there WAS such a thing as fluoride coated floss! While it’s valuable info that I have now, I kind of wish I had it when I was, oh I don’t know, 5 years old?!

The new dentist I went to see last week seemed hopeful that the small ‘soft spot’ on my tooth could be repaired with fluoride. And I am really grateful that he suggested trying the $5 mouth rinse for 6 months before charging me $400 to drill the thing out and fill it. But it really got me thinking, “Why aren’t all dentists this honest and helpful?!” And why didn’t anyone tell me this sooner??? If I’d known about the fluoride before hand (and the fact that your teeth are not supposed to rest on each other all day long–that is considered clenching and is part of the reason my fillings are cracking which is why I now need a CROWN), I might have been able to save myself from numerous other fillings. Or at least I’d like to think so.

So here you go, mothers with small children. Things that I wish my dentist had told me sooner:

1) Fluoride makes a difference. It helps strengthen teeth (which I DID know, thankyouverymuch) and can help harden/repair soft spots on teeth that later become cavities. My dentist recommended ACT mouth rinse at night time (so the fluoride can soak into the enamel over night) and Listerine in the morning to help prevent gum disease.

2) Your teeth should always be separated slightly, never touching each other unless you are swallowing or chewing.

Anything that you wish YOUR dentist or doctor had told you sooner? Share the love and save us all some money, would ya?

The Best Apple Pie You Will EVER Eat!

Hey Friends!

In honor of Thanksgiving I wanted to share one of my favorite (and most requested!) recipes! Got this one from mom 4 of 5 years ago. She’s the BEST baker I know:) I love sweets, but most of the time I find apple pie to be fairly ‘plain Jane’–not exciting enough to take my palate away from other options. But THIS apple pie is FANTASTIC. I’m not kidding.

Just as a tip, I like to do the apple filling mixture first, and then let it sit and marinade while I make and pat in the bottom crust.

The presentation alone is always a point of interest (since you bake it in a paper bag). See the recipe, process, and photos below.


Bottom Crust:

Combine ingredients and then take chunks of mixture and press into a pie plate until crust is formed.

1 1/2 cups flour
2 tsp sugar
1 tsp salt
1/2 cup canola oil
2 Tbsp cold milk

Pie Filling:

Peel apples and slice into thin wedges. Place in large mixing bowl. Mix dry ingredients in separate dish. Pour dry ingredients over apples and mix together. Then pour apple mixture into pie plate with bottom crust.

approx 5 cups of apples (1 regular sized apple = about 1 cup)
1 cup sugar
2 Tbsp of flour
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp cinnamon


Top Crumble Crust:

Allow butter to soften or soften in the microwave. Mix ingredients and then crumble over top of pie in drops/chunks.

1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup butter

Place pie in large brown paper bag (so that pie plate sits on the long side of the bag).

Fold edge over and staple closed.

Bake at 350F for 1 hour and 45 minutes. I recommend baking the pie/bag on a baking sheet, just in case any of the juices ooze out while it bakes.

ENJOY! And Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Carmels are of PARAMOUNT importance or The Thing I Have to Tell You About this Week: Holiday Items at Trader Joe’s


There they were. On the shelves. The FIRST day of November. Fleur de sel Sea Salt Carmels. Hoorah!

For the last 2 years I’ve passed these treats by every week from November through December on my weekly grocery runs saying, “I don’t really NEED those.” Then, last year, the day after Christmas, I realized I DO need them. Especially since I can’t eat chocolate any more. Carmels are of paramount importance. I ran to my nearest Trader Joe’s despite the crispy Seattle weather, hoping to find some carmels still there–maybe that were “accidentally” not put out in time for the holidays.

Sadly, when I asked one of the friedly team members, I was told, “Oh those sell out WAY before Christmas every year.” And so I’ve waited an ENTIRE YEAR for these carmels to come back.

The first day of November I bought 2 boxes. One for me and one for my best friend who also loves carmels. Because I’m realistic. And selfish. And there is no way I’m sharing MY box of carmels.

My other favorite holiday item at Trader Joe’s is (Are? What is correct?! It’s one item, but the package contains multiple cookies!) the special frosted German ginger bread cookies.

They have these thin, weird rice cake type things on the bottom of the cookies. Maybe to help keep the non-glazed side fresh? They also have a dark chocolate dipped version (which are AMAZING btw!) but since I don’t eat chocolate any more (because it makes my skin and tummy angry) I can’t allow myself to buy the chocolate dipped ones–because I will eat them ALL. But the glazed version is still quite nice. I like them because they aren’t TOO sweet. Just sweet enough. They are one of the only kinds of pre-made cookies that I will actually buy since I bake cookies from scratch the way my momma and grandma taught me and am, therefore, a cookie SNOB.

My Favorite Conversation This Week Went Something Like This…

In preparation for my new headshots on Monday (eek!), Renee came over earlier this week to help me pick out wardrobe options for each ‘look’. After knocking the ‘business/lawyer/what the Katie Holmes role SHOULD have been in BATMAN BEGINS’ out with a stellar trench coat and slacks, we got to the ‘edgy’ look.

Thus began what was by far the most entertaining conversation I’ve had in quite some time.

ME: So I think in class they said I was kick ass ‘edgy’… What does that look like? OOOH! Like Michelle Rodriguez in LOST or FAST and the FURIOUS? I like my leather jacket.
Renee: You are BAD ass, not kick ass. Not quite like Michelle Rodriguez. You’re not that kind of athletic. You’re too tall and lanky.
ME: Hm…What about Eliza Dushku? She’s TINY in real life but she still kicks ass on TV. Or like an action hero? Maybe I could drive the getaway car?!
Renee: You think you want to be DOLLHOUSE edgy. But you’re more like the girl who dressed weird in high school, that was actually really fashionable, but everyone avoided you because they thought you were scary or potentially dangerous.
ME: (blank stare and confusion) Um. So how does that translate out of high school to being a grown up?
Renee: Hm. (pulls out clothes from closet and throws them around). Put this on please.
ME: Really? You like this? I was gonna give that away.
Renee: No, don’t give it away. You’re crazy.
ME: I know. At least I know I’m crazy. (puts on brown vest thing and orange scarf with striped shirt and black vest).
Renee: You’re a DRIFTER.
ME: Who is that? Like who is that on TV?
Renee: Kate! It’s like Kate on LOST. She’s kind of stand-off-ish, but mysterious. Maybe dangerous.
ME: OOH! And she totally punched people in the face. And held up a bank!
Renee: (smiles)
ME: I still like my leather jacket. Can I wear that on top instead of the vest thing?

In Case You Hadn’t Noticed, it’s “Fall”

Add a cup of hot tea for a perfect Fall breakfast!

Today is the 7th of October. And in case you hadn’t noticed, Fall has finally made it’s way to Los Angeles. Now let’s be realistic. “Fall” is a relative term here in southern California. I haven’t seen a lot of trees with yellow and red colored leaves (though to be fair, I haven’t seen many trees during daylight hours that are not on my work campus, and I think those are all evergreens–so the facilities people don’t have to clean up a big mess when all the leaves fall off. Somebody was thinking when they planted those things:) ).

I did notice though, that this week it started getting chilly and I’m PRAYING that this year we somehow manage to avoid the surprise heat wave that’s come around for the past 2 years at the end of October. According to accuweather.com this week’s day time low was 64 degrees and evening low was 51 degrees. BRRRRRRRRR!!!!! Tuesday was the first day that I shut all the windows in the house and turned off my ceiling fan since May. On Wednesday it actually RAINED. As in a LOT. As in 6+ hours (almost as long as my neighbors fun new game “let’s crank up the subwoofer and play videogames or bass guitar or something undefinable but really freaking loud and obnoxious that comes through the walls/floors between midnight and 10am”).

Yesterday, I actually put off going shopping for a wedding shower gift for my friend Jess because it was “chilly” and there was an intermittent sprinkling of rain, and I’d left my coat at home. This in and of itself is a bit weird as I bring my coat with me to the office in the middle of summer when it’s 98 degrees (the temperature, not the luke-warm 90’s boy band), to keep from catching a cold under the air conditioner.

Next week could get back up to 90 though…Maybe I should have waited until after next week to officially declare Fall. Oh well. I probably won’t have time.

One productive (and delicious) thing I DID do yesterday was bake some delicious home made zucchini bread, pictured above. I’ve been meaning to make zucchini bread for the last month, and even bought some zucchini on 2 different occasions intending to make some. But sadly the zucchini ended up neglected and eventually moldy in the fridge before I got around to it. So I’m proud of myself for finally doing it! Plus I LOVE to bake.

I’m a stickler for good recipes. Most recipes don’t qualify as “good” in my book. I originally asked my mom to send me a recipe (cause hers are always the best!) but she said she didn’t have a go-to recipe. This always makes me nervous. Having to choose my own recipe.

I surfed around on the net but was having trouble finding a recipe that had less than 1 cup of sugar per loaf, and/or only made one loaf. Then I remembered the gloriousness that is Whole Foods –and ba-da-bing, found my new favorite Fall recipe! I will have to try the recipes from their website more often. I made a few slight changes, mainly using vegetable oil instead of canola, regular all purpose flour instead of whole wheat pastry flour, and crushed roasted unsalted almonds instead of pecans.

The recipe as it exists on the Whole Foods website is:

Natural cooking spray
1 1/2 cups whole wheat pastry flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1 egg
1/3 cup expeller pressed canola oil
1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce
2 tablespoons nonfat plain yogurt
3/4 cup sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup grated zucchini
1/3 cup finely chopped walnuts

Method:

Preheat oven to 325°F. Spray an 8-inch loaf pan with natural cooking spray and set aside.

In a large bowl, sift together flour, salt, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon and nutmeg. In a separate bowl, whisk together egg, oil, applesauce, yogurt, sugar and vanilla. Add flour mixture and stir until well combined. Fold in zucchini and walnuts then transfer batter to prepared pan and bake until risen, deep golden brown and a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean, 50 to 60 minutes.

Cool in pan on rack for 30 minutes then remove bread from pan and continue cooling on rack.

Today I am DEBT FREE!!!!

I already posted on facebook but I thought I’d log it here on my blog for posterity and all that. Today, Friday, September 2, 2011, I am completely debt FREE. PRAISE GOD! I’ve spent the last 3 years focusing on paying off debt and starting a savings account at the same time.

Though I’ve always been pretty responsible and kept track of my spending (via my checkbook register…no I’m not kidding), when I went back to work at DreamWorks Animation two and a half years ago I started tracking my spending in categories on an excel spreadsheet (again, not kidding)—so that I could track any additional waste or unnecessary spending that I wanted to curb.

During this time I also met with a financial planner who encouraged me to start saving WHILE I pay off debt. Even if it’s just $100 or even $20 a month, being able to look at your savings grow while you also see your debt get smaller is a fantastic motivator!

After meeting with the planner, I also became more aware of how I save and plan. I save smarter. Before this meeting I didn’t know my growth percentage on my savings account (it’s a whopping 6% on the first $500!). Normally savings accounts are between .25% and MAYBE .5%. Not too impressive. So I started researching online savings accounts per the planner’s recommendations. I found an online plan that was endorsed by CNN, Forbes, etc, called Smartypig. The only downside on this is that it’s a variable interest rate and I thought it was fixed. So that kinda sucks. When I first started with them the annual return was 2.15% and now it’s only 1.10%. Still that’s about .75% more than a traditional savings account! And every little bit helps.

I also began regularly contributing to my 401k at work, opened a mutual fund account AND a Roth IRA. So on top of being debt free, I have a few nickles in the bank. And that feels GREAT!

Yup. It’s official, I’m a grown up with (at least) a fledgling retirement fund. And a vacation fund too!

What are YOU going to do today to start saving smarter?!

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